When Cancer Frowns, We Smile. Smile Big!

“Switch off the lights when you walk out of the room. We have to save money for Papa’s treatment.” His nine year old daughter told the three year old one.

___________

April 2012

It was a juggle among thousands of crawling seconds. Heavy! Every minute fraction was adding to the anxiety and apprehension. Prayers kept swaying. We knew nothing bad could happen. We were not hoping, we were confident. Things could go a little off the way. But not much. This is what each one of us kept telling to ourselves. With fingers crossed, all portions of love and faith concatenated to God.

However, the worst nightmare came true. It was Pancreatic Cancer.

You know there are times when you try to step into the shoes of someone else so as to experience what he might have experienced. And you just cannot. But when it happens, you’re so overwhelmed with grief and angst that all of the jumbled pieces of doubts sprinkled and scattered in your mind, align in a portrayal of a clear and distinct picture. Needless to say, that was one moment.

The world indeed crushed down to crumbles of sorrow and misery and encompassed us within the thorny walls of unpleasing reality. If it was tough for us, it was much beyond for the man, much beyond the sweep of our thoughts which are filled with trivial and insignificant qualms. It was but inconceivable. It took only a few seconds for life to come to a halt, to a sudden halt and jolt us all with a rough hand to confront the unfathomable truth.

In the initial days of the long journey, believing that the worst nightmare came true was the hardest thing. Let alone gathering strength to begin the battle. I remember watching him on the day the news broke. He had lost quite a lot of weight and looked fragile. My eyes were wet. I smiled and he smiled back. There wasn’t much to say. There wasn’t anything to say.

More than four months have passed since that fateful day. Cancer is now a settled part. We have acquiesced to its presence. But the fight hasn't stopped becuase the man knows that he has to kick cancer’s ass. To say that he is positive or has a strong will, would definitely be an understatement. He has a zest for life. He always had, even before this whole thing came to light. He is one of the few persons in my life who ‘actually’ believes in relishing the present and not getting caught in the web of inane expectations. He is passionate. I see him battling the disease with commendable positive attitude filled with wondrous moments of laughter and glee and tied on a sturdy hook of an amalgamation, of unflinching faith and love.

And somewhere down the line we all are quite affirmative that things are going to be back on track. That this is just a bump on our way to a higher journey. That it wants us to hunt down the real meaning of life which usually lurks somewhere behind the loose notes of a facade. That when it is all over, he will rise up with much stronger wings, teaching us with his grandiosity, to add meaning to our lives.

Because no matter how hard this journey seems now, in the end it will be worth the fight.

(Proudly stolen from his Facebook wall.)

******

P.S: 1. I am glad to have gathered strength to vent out the brimming respect which I have for this man, my cousin, my brother.

2. No pity please.

3. I missed Mirage's second birthday. Uhh..what a doofus I am. Ahem! C'mon people, wish it now.

4. And smile for heavens sake. :-)

Warmth.

A message from hope,

"Crisp warmth demurely waits

Beyond dusty chase."

_________

Yes, I do talk of inspirational stuff on a Friday, 13th.

Written for: Haiku Heights

Image Source: weheartit

******

Sigh! Google is such a darling.

A Hope-Filled Letter 2

There is something I have to tell you. Trust me, it’s very hard but one day or the other, I have to say it to you. And that ‘something’ is that...... I’ve had enough of you, love. I need a break. I really do. Don’t take me wrong, dear. It’s just that you have no idea how much time I have wasted on you.

I accept that I was addicted to you, met you even thrice a day and spent so many hours, at a stretch with you. You were there for me when nobody else was. But hey, that doesn’t mean that I gave you the steering wheel of my life. So how could you take me for granted? Please don’t think that you can tempt me whenever you want to. You don’t own me and now don’t take me wrong here. It’s just that my love for you is pure but is unfortunately, stagnant too.

Anyway, it’s not your fault completely. I’m also at fault here because it was me who got hooked on to you. I should have stayed in my limits.

I know it’s useless to crib about what has already happened and also, I can’t bring back the time I have wasted but I can surely improve my situation. So from now on I am going to be less dependent on you. I might not even see you for a few days or a few weeks. I need to learn self-control and constructive spending of time. And I think, this should be my first place to begin from. I hope you would understand and co-operate with me. I hope you would not tempt me to visit you or see you every day or after every few hours. I hope you’d help me become a strong girl.

Don’t miss me much, Facebook!!

Love,

Vinati.

********

P.S: To read my first hope-filled letter click here

Shut up, heart!

“Looking at the phone and waiting for that one call is an imprudent thing to do when you know the other person doesn’t give a damn. It’s simply a ‘waste’ of time. You should better invest your time on something constructive.” Her mind said in a strict tone.

“No, but you love him right? So what if he is unconcerned. Love doesn’t come with a ‘conditions apply’ tag. It is not revengeful. Take my advice and call him. Don’t wait for anything. What if he’s waiting for your call? I’m sure he is because his love for you is true.” Her heart said.

“It’s all nonsense. If it would have been so true then he would have kept his promise. He said that he would call whenever he comes back home. And you know he is already home. And Look at the time. It’s pretty late. Of course he doesn’t want to call. He doesn’t care. He never did. Don’t you get this easy thing, you silly emotional fool?”

“You will call, I know dear.”

“No, you’ll not. Remember how he hung up the last time. How he talked and what all things he said to you. How coarse he was. He is not interested in talking to you anymore. Accept this fact.”

“Listen to me and call”

“No”

"Yes"

And she picked up her phone, dialled the number and waited for him to pick up.

“Hello?” she said

“Yeah” he replied in a harsh tone. Like really HARSH tone.

“You said you’d call. I have been waiting for so long.”

“I forgot. I was studying since I came back.” The tone was still harsh.

She knew he is lying. He didn’t start studying immediately after coming home as she saw him online on facebook...posting stuff on other friends’ wall. She knew he’s faking. This was not him. He has never been this way before and never been so rude to her. His tone, his words and even his sighs made everything clear to her.

“Oh, I’m so sorry for disturbing you. You continue studying. Bye.” She said in a bit shaky voice.

“Bye.”

As she hung up the phone, an evil drop ran down her cheeks, eroding all the colours of her life. And all she thought was that: her mind was right...indeed!!

A Hope-filled Letter.

Dear Life,

This is for the first time I'm writing a letter to you. I thought to give you an idea how you made me feel this year because after all, you deserve to know every bit of it.

So starting from the beginning of the year till somewhere around August, you were, kind of, very cruel to me. With more downs than ups, you shuddered me inside out, zillion of times. From board exams to entrances, from results to despondency, from concrete dreams to wavered paths, nothing was easy. People said not to worry as it's a part of life. I tamely listened. I did not complain at all and bore it with all my strength. Things were agonizingly tough. And I'm not exaggerating it when I say that I was on the verge of losing control of the 'I' in me. God, this was the worst thing that happened to me in 2010. I know that all the bumps which you placed, were for my own benefit. They taught me so many lessons and turned me into a stronger and more experienced girl. But what I did not like is the fact that somehow, most of the months passed in a monotonously dull and dark way. It was like an unequal balance between the dosage of good and bad times. And you very well know which side was heavier.


Anyway, after the beginning of my college, things began to fall into place. At a slow and steady pace, you took a novel turn. I enjoyed the change or rather the masqueraded 'stability' which you offered me. So it was like after a long time, you finally showed some mercy on me and made me happy and content. Thank you so much for that :)


Now, let me cut the long story short. My dear life, you have troubled me pretty much this year and now that I've learnt some lessons, I want you to fill the emptied holes with lots of happiness, goodies, love and peace. I want to enjoy my every single moment sans your unnecessary bumps. I want to stenghthen my confidence and gain back full control of the 'I' in me. All in all, I want you to make 2011 one of the best years of my life. And I really hope that you won't disappoint me. Right?


Anyway, I should now end my first letter to you. Don't worry, I'll keep in touch and keep giving you updates. Till then, please do take care of me. :)
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!


With lots of expectations
Vinati

A Never Ending Hope.

It was ten in the morning. For the past fifteen minutes, she'd been standing in front of her cupboard, rolling her eyes up and down to select a good attire. It was a special day for her and she, obviously, wanted to look good and make the evening perfect. After a few more minutes of selection and rejection, she finally found a peach colored suit and in another fifteen minutes, she was ready. 


                                Previous Day-23rd December, 2004

" OK now let me tell you the details once again. My flight AI 008C will leave at 3:15 in the afternoon and i'll reach Delhi by 7:00 pm. From there we will go to your favorite restaurant and will celebrate our anniversary"

"Anniversary? oh yeah...its been 1 month since we tied knots. You remembered it. That is so sweet"

"Of course i did. And ma'am this is the reason i'm coming two days earlier...just to be with you on the special day. OK now I've got to go. See you tomorrow"

"I miss you."

"Miss you too. take care."

Before going to the airport, she thought of buying a present for him. Having plenty of time in hand, she went to a store, bought a nice antique photo frame, selected a photograph which they once clicked during their courtship period and got the whole thing beautifully packed.
On reaching the airport at around 6:15 pm, she decided to have a cup of espresso but before that she went to check the status of his flight. She had no idea how the the next few minutes would change her life forever...


Flight No.               From                             To                          Status
AI 008C                Indonesia              New Delhi             Cancelled


It was hard for her to believe and she was still tingling with what her eyes saw when something even worse came out. She heard someone saying something about TSUNAMI. On turning her head around, she saw many people rushing in and out, frantically talking on phone, to their relatives may be, but she was still not able to make out what was going on till she saw the news herself


"A devastating tsunami has struck the Southern Asia and parts of East Africa. Lacs of people have been reported dead and missing and the major impact is seen in Indonesia, Sri Lanka and Maldives."


The news came as a bolt from the blue. She immediately dialed his number but it was not reachable. She called on a few more numbers which were of his colleagues but all were not reachable except one.


"Hello.....hello??.....", someone did pick up but his voice cracked and before she could even say something the call lost. She tried again and again....for hours. And after trying zillion of times, she waited...in despair...waited in vain...for her phone to ring. She waited for her husband to call and say that he's in the pink of his health and there's nothing to worry. But she never got any call from him.

Its been more then five years since her fate did a somersault and jolted her inside out. But as we say, life goes on, so has she. And going on doesn't only mean re-marrying. For she has found other ways to keep herself busy and to keep pace with her life.


Her husband's name was no where among the deceaseds'. He was still counted among the 37,000 missing people in Indonesia. And somewhere down the line, she believes that he'd show up and when that day would come, she would give him his present which she has kept safely with herself, packed with their beautiful memories.