1 am conversation

How funny is this? As much as we crave change, as much as we desire new, random, beautiful and out of this world experiences, there is always a part of us that wants to go back to where we started from, to stay close to everything familiar, everything that once felt like home.

This is how I've been since past few months. 

I haven't taken a break. I've been writing a lot. I've been reading a lot. I'm well updated in what you guys are up to, what my favorite people are feeling, writing and going through these days and I have a lot to say to you all, so here I go.

It is great to see you back in action Kayla, missed your gorgeous words so much. PeeVee, I am in awe with the way you write bro, how are you so amazing? Oh my god Red, you are back! Did I tell you I stalked you thoroughly when I saw your comment? D your new blog and the name is breathtaking. The last post where you wrote 'Not having something to say shouldn't keep me from writing anymore, I should just write.' I want to thank you for this. Ankita, you woman are shining like a diamond. I am very happy for your latest books love. Soumya, Twisha, Emma, Ridx, Anisha, Keirthana gosh, I missed you ladies (sincere apologies if I've missed out your name). And my readers, both old and new. You make me feel safe, you make me feel at ease whenever I think about this blog and I am incredibly thankful for that. I've realized I get too weepy and sentimental when I write about what this blog has been to me, what you all have been to me and I think the best part is that you being a blogger yourself, can understand this so well. You know there is a mess in our head and it is okay to let it out and feel sooo much at once.

Writing is and will always be the most beautiful form of meditation for me, for us. 

I'm currently more active on another platform, Instagram: @writingsofvinati. It is new, it is fresh, more convenient to handle and it gives me that push to outdo myself every time I read my previous posts. I think I have fallen in love with this art all over again. Writing community is as encouraging on Instagram as it is here. But honestly, I do miss the familiarity of Blogger, the familiarity of having friends who have seen me evolve, seen me grow into a less confused and wayward being. So if you are on Instagram, do drop by and say hi. I would love to see you there.

Lastly, here is my current favorite song for you. This is how you make me feel.

Lana Del Rey: Because of you (unreleased)

I think I should get a tattoo of her name. I'm clearly obsessed.

That's all for now.

I hope to see you on the other side.

_________

Mornings with Sinatra

Hello
I am here again.

How have you been? Do you still read me?

Oh, I love you.

I will not say things like 'Gosh, December is here already.' or 'Where did the year go? Was I sleeping the whole time?' or the same old cliched 'Time flies' nonsense. No, time doesn't always fly. Sometimes it just sits like a huge rock in the middle of the road, unwilling to budge, break, move, shift or crawl.

Needless to say, I am glad we are almost done with twenty fifteen and in case no one wants to know, I'm doing good. I'm healthy and fit. Still a lawyer and a self-proclaimed mad poet, surviving the banality of life with the help of Sinatra. Actually, Lana Del Rey too. Remember a month ago I was obsessing over the song High by the beach. Well now it is Music to watch to boys to. I think I have broken my personal record by playing this one on repeat for over a week. I absolutely l.o.v.e this song. Especially when one is in the gym surrounded by insanely hot guys working out, listening to this song makes one feel like the goddamn queen from a classic movie. Now who wouldn't enjoy that!

In other news, I have decided to move. I have decided to replace Mirage. I'm not closing it down, just giving it a new identity. It is quite important for me to be able to connect to this place wholeheartedly like I did in the initial years and I think giving it a new name will surely help.

Presenting to you the new baby blog: Comet Muse

Not sure how long will it be before I incorporate this change. I have so many new ideas for the blog but I have to figure out the painstaking technicalities attached with using a domain name and have to be sure I don't mess up the backlinks. I'll share the new link of the website soon. Hope you would read along. You would, right?

P.S: Sincere apologies for not being able to reply to your comments and emails, life of a lawyer is so not like the one portrayed in Suits. Just saying.
Also, in case you are having a rough day.. here's a picture of my Frodo saying it's all going to be okay.

Would you look at those eyes?!!

So far so good.

I like waking up in the middle of the night when it is still dark outside. I like waking up to this feeling that I have a few more hours to sleep before I leave for work. It's been almost three months since I began my professional career as a lawyer and I am still getting the hang of it. Every now and then,  some of my colleagues come up to me to share their wise suggestions on how to survive in this field and how to deal with office politics. It is not as unusual as I used to think initially, but there is one common thing which I've been told too many times: Not to trust anyone here. 

It is funny because whenever someone tells me this, the first thing that comes to my mind is "Okay, so I shouldn't trust you too right!." For now, I think I am doing fine by not getting too involved in the world of so called smart people. I like being detached. It is so much better than indulging myself in forced office camaraderie. 

But you know what there are good things too. Like:

a. I have full independence to splurge and it is hundred times more satisfying when you do that with your self-earned money.

b. I can't wait to start travelling without any guilt because again, this independence is sweeter than I could've ever imagined and also because, travel is the only thing I know that can keep me sane apart from poetry, of course.

c. I love it when someone asks whether I am a student and how surprised they look when I tell them that no, I'm a lawyer. Needless to say, five years of law college were totally worth it.

In other news, I am obsessing over the latest album Honeymoon by Lana Del Rey and High by the beach is my favorite of all, especially because of this badass music video. 

________

How are you all doing?

xo

Things I have been wanting to share.

• I started this blog just a week before stepping into law school and that was five long years ago. My college life is over, I'm officially a graduate. I'm officially a lawyer!
• I'm growing up too fast and I don't like it at all. Adulthood is scary, it is messed up and there is always too much to do. It's been more than a month since I turned 23 and it is as crazy as it was last year or the year before that. Honestly, I think in my head, I stopped growing up after 16.
• I got a job, like a real job in the real world and I am not yet accustomed to this feeling of having my own visiting cards that say that I'm an Associate. It is a lot to take in and I think I'm going to forget about it for a while.
• My brother visited us in June and gave my parents an out of this world surprise just by appearing one night. It was such a beautiful moment when I saw my mom scream and burst into tears as bhaiya walked in. Dad was in another city, so he refused to believe till we made a video call. And I.. well I managed the whole surprise by keeping the news with myself for two weeks, which was undoubtedly the toughest task. Somebody appreciate me please.
• A few days back, I received a mail which said that in some survey, Mirage has been selected among the Top 15 Personal Blogs in India, and that left me thrilled. To read somebody else's thoughts on my blog, on Mirage, it is a beautiful feeling. Of course, those thoughts have to be beautiful to make that feeling beautiful. eeeeep!
• And and, I'm going to bed now. I wanted to watch Game of Thrones today, but I couldn't because like I said, in grown-ups world, there is always too much to do and it is already midnight. And I have office tomorrow. Uh! Why can't I just refuse to grow up.
• Anyway, it feels great to share this with you.
• Thank you for reading.
• I love you.
• Here's a goodnight kiss.
• Go now.
• Shooo.

Hibernation level - Complete

So my blog missed more than a month's update on my shitty life. Hmph. That is one long break!

February is here already, winters have started to turn around, giving way to the lovely spring season and I too have decided to end my prolonged hiatus and come out of the blanket. There wasn't any specific reason as to why or how this hiatus began in the first place. But anyway, I'm glad that it's finally over. 

You know one of the scariest revelations that I've had recently is that most of this life which we proudly call ours is beyond our control, driven by things like fate. It is so annoying that even after giving your one hundred percent, you can never be sure of anything. That is just how life is. Blatantly random! 

The dream on which I was working on since quite a long time got bulldozed by fate. I fell, I hit the ground hard, I got up, brushed the dirt off my skin, covered the bleeding wound on my knee and I think, I think I'm ready to walk again.

Because I'm done mulling over the loss and feeling helpless all the time. I'm done reminiscing about the thing which never belonged to me. It gets boring after a while, you know.

So I'm back here in the blogosphere and since I needed a push for myself to take charge of certain things, I gave Mirage a complete makeover while playing at high volume, my favorite pop music of the evergreen 90's, de-stressed myself by dancing to the tunes of Coco Jumbo and Macarena, ordered a big box of protein shake (no idea, how i will finish it), played Coldplay and Lana Del Rey on repeat, practiced yoga and prepared myself to be mind blowing once again.

Let's see how far this mind-blowing girl can go before the randomness of life strikes again.

Meanwhile, listen to this,

Lana Del Rey - I can fly

___________

Hello twenty fifteen.

Less than an hour to new year.

Peppy party music reverberates somewhere in the distance, in an otherwise calm night. I am tucked in my blanket, hunched over the laptop screen with cold fingers on the keyboard, thinking of words, syllables, sentences to define what 2014 was to me. This ritual to reminisce what a year brought to us and what we gave in return, it is therapeutic and it gets even better when you prepare to bid goodbye to another set of memories, to put a final full stop at the end of another chapter, in the most peaceful manner.

But this time, instead of looking back, I plan to look ahead.

Sure, I had a lot of exceptionally awesome moments this year, but what is gone is gone. They have been placed neatly in my head. It is time to welcome a whole new bunch of memories that are waiting for their turn to treat us with love and hate.

So a very happy new year to you dear reader. Thank you for sticking with me through various dramas of life.

Oh and one last thing, ever since I stepped into law college, I barely got time to sit down and binge read at a stretch. But now as my college is almost over, I have decided that I will read a lot!!! No excuses, nothing.

yes, it's my resolution.

My dear friend Raaji from Writings For Life asked me to share a list of books I read this year. Pretty less, I know. But let the new year come!

__________

P.S: Feel free to share your list of books you read in 2014.

Because even angels fall

After days of working towards my dream, I have finally got a chance to write, to share, to update my little world out here.

It is very weird.. my current state of mind is totally confused. I am confused. I'm so confused! At one moment I feel extremely ecstatic to watch reality, gradually impersonating my most beautiful dream and then in a snap, I come out of it with unbearable stress.

Today, in the morning while I was going to college, my shuffled playlist played a song which I used to listen during the first year. It was one of my favorites back then and needless to say, I used to play it on repeat. The song is 'Even Angels Fall' by Jessica Riddle. It got famous from the movie '10 Things I Hate About You.' and I'm quite sure you must have heard it. If not, then please do listen. It is beautiful!

Anyway, there is this line in the lyrics - "One day it's heaven, one day it's hell" I have heard this song a gazillion times and never before did this line hit me. I cannot begin to express how perfectly it fits my current situation and how I'm in love with this song all over again.

Because you don't always need motivational quotes of great philosophers to heal, there are times when life's randomness makes you feel much much better. So, maybe the next time or the next next time you hear from me, my mind will be more clear with a dream in hand and better words to share.

Till then, keep loving me, will you?

Mirage.

_____

Let's sit together and talk for a while.

It is one of those phases when you know you want to write, when you know what you want to write, when it is clear and succinct in your head that you want to write but lethargy takes over and you surrender.

Slow but smooth.. that's life these days.

It's been more than a month since my brother moved to US and I'd assumed that the presence of an empty room upstairs would be unnerving but we are gradually getting used to it. I haven't told this to anyone but there are days when I go to his room, switch on the lights, no fan, just sit in his chair and do nothing. Absolutely nothing! I don't know why but this activity has become the easiest way to feel at peace on a rough day or on any other day.

College is nearing it's end. I will be a lawyer in less than twelve months! Even after four years, the question about my future - life after college has not found an answer. But the good thing is that I have made peace with the eternally confused state of mind.

It is unreal that I survived college so far. I'd never thought that I would say this but yes, I don't want this to end! After four years of struggling to sail through law college, I feel a lot less burdened, a lot more confident and a lot happier by not carrying the unnecessary weight of people's expectations on me. Life is so much easier when you live only for yourself and for those who honestly care for you. It is so much more vibrant when you are surrounded by warm and positive people. If I were to give someone advice on how to be happy, I'd say be real to yourself and the worldly facade will disappear on its own.

In another news, Tamarind Rice, a wonderful literary magazine has put me up on their regulars' feature page. I haven't gotten over this dreamy news yet and every now and then I visit their website just to see my name and smile for a while. Click on the link right now!!! Thank you.

To add on, more publications came my way. Few of my haiku poems got published in two journals. It is a superbly awesome feeling when you notice that you are the only person from your country to get published in international journals and that is the moment when patriotism awash your heart.

After around 7-8 years, I gave up my long straight hair to treat myself with a much needed change. Sadly, the cut now looks like before and the length is gone! Whoever says that having naturally straight hair is a boon should come and talk to me. A little bummed over this fact but also, my mood is going happily up because the beautiful season of festivals is approaching. The annual Diwali wali feeling is already here and I am just too happy to be free of any worry.

Okay, that's a lot of talking for now.

Now let's hear how your life is going.. shall we?!

Love
Mirage
______

The movie that made me cry.

You know how they say that change is the only constant thing in our lives. That this moment, right here is going to pass as quickly as it came yet it will leave a mark in someone's life before vanishing into oblivion. That time changes everything, every person. But it becomes all the more miraculous when you actually identify the gradual change in yourself.

After waiting for months, I finally got a chance to watch The Fault in Our Stars on the big screen today. For those of you who are still unaware, the movie is based on the bestselling novel written by John Green. A novel which breathed life into my heart with every word, every line and every page. A novel which moved me to tears in one chapter and comforted me warmly in another.

I knew I would cry while watching the movie too. It was as natural as the sun rising from the east and setting in the west. But what I had not expected of myself is that I would hate to see many people sitting in the hall watching the movie for which I'd waited so long. The moment I entered, my heart was awash by extreme possessiveness. I felt angry and sad as I had to share it with those many people. The novel was something I loved wholeheartedly, like something personal, only to be felt by me, only to be loved by me. I felt that my personal space was being trespassed by those who were there just because they had nothing else to do on a weekend, who could not even keep their stupid cell phones on silent for two hours. For me, it was a lot more than that. It was like giving countenance to the characters I fell in love with months ago. It was like meeting Hazel Grace and Augustus Waters personally.

It's silly, I know! But I don't want to make sense right now.

The bottom line is that I have changed. From a girl who used to wonder why her mom cries while watching soppy movies to being a girl who has subconsciously started doing the same. I never felt like this before, never cursed people around me for intruding one of my favorite stories and never felt too possessive for fictitious characters. Sometimes you are unsure whether you've changed for the better and this is one such time.

Also, this is the reason why I hate to share my copy of novels with anyone.

_________

P.S: 1. The movie is excellent.

2. During the interval, I ran into one of my batch mates from college and she said she was not enjoying the movie at all. -_-

When my fears help me grow.

I don't remember how this fear entered my mind but I've always been scared of cockroaches. I know it is one of the most girly thing in the entire world but even if I hate to be a part of this category, I cannot help it. They are big disgusting insects and sometimes come with wings too. Why God why?!?? When I was in second grade, we shifted to a new city. My mom like always pestered me to meet new people of my size and be friends with them. They came to my place to play in the evening and I tried my best to make a good first impression by flaunting my big kitchen set and feeling proud with every 'ooh' and 'wow' reaction. But all my pride was washed away when a big cockroach entered my t shirt and I screamed in the highest pitch and jumped like a ninja making a complete fool of myself while the little people laughed incessantly. Though that broke the ice and gave me a wonderful childhood, my hatred and fear towards these freaky insects grew to a mountainous extent.

I fear deep dark waters too. I am a swimmer and I learned swimming when I was 6 or 7. Those were the days when I, a four ft. girl could play around with friends in a nine ft. deep pool, all day long and all night too. But as I grew up, this fear of deep dark waters started building up in my head and wrecked my swimming sessions. Now when I step into a pool, nobody in the world has the power to drag me to the deepest portion. I fear that someone might pull my legs from inside the pool and I would eventually drown. And that is perhaps, too much of Aahat (a horror series) etched in my mind.

Then there is fear of elevators. It is attributed to a heart-failing experience where I was with my parents in some old wobbly lift and after going up and down non stop for a couple of minutes, it got stuck somewhere in the middle. It was only when I bawled out and screamed, some people of that apartment came to our rescue. Yes, I was one hell of a screamer! Though I have recovered from the near death experience, I still sometimes fear stepping into an elevator when I am all alone.

Change. This is the most inevitable thing and yet I fear it the most. I fear change! It could be of any form. A change in my regular menu when I visit a restaurant, a change of place where I stay, a change of music that I listen to, a change of people that I like to be with, a change of dreams and aspirations and so on. My friends mock me because I fear to try new things in life. I try it when someone pesters me to but never on my own. And then I'm the one who wishes to travel the world and experience new things. How ironical! May be because somewhere in my mind I have this urge to conquer this fear. Yes, may be this is the reason.

When I am stuck in those days where I have nothing to work on, when I have no aim, no task to do, no movie to watch and no novel to read.. I use these fears and turn them into a purpose. Like stepping out of my comfort zone and be unprepared. A couple of weeks back, I went street shopping alone. I have never done that before and it was a big deal for me because I constantly need someone to fall back on. But that experience, oh it was different. I don't know good different or bad different, but it was something which I have never felt before. Standing alone in the middle of thousands of people and still not feeling depressed. Yes, it was different.

There are many more things that I fear and that scare the hell out of me but I think they are there just to give me a purpose when I lose one. So that makes them good, right! Except of course, cockroaches.

Anyway, you tell me. What are your fears?
_______

You know your days are going well when..

-Your brother voluntarily opts to prepare French toasts for you in the morning, almost every other day.

-And oh, those French toasts are deliciously tasty as well.

-On a bright sunny morning, you put sunglasses on your already handsome doggy and instead of wrestling to take them off, the doggy strikes a pose.

Yeah, he's cool.

-All your life you are tagged as skinny and underweight but with a lot of hard work (read a lot of eating) and improved diet plans, you gain around 5kgs in mere 5 months and shut everybody's goddamn mouth. Trust me, this thing made me THE happiest.

-Your workout sessions at home, start showing breathtaking results and you finally have more than just traces of calf muscles, biceps and triceps. Told you, I'm gonna be a strong lady soon.

-After consistently pestering, you succeed in convincing your parents to plan a trip to Kashmir. Yay!

No wait..what if I just jinxed it.

-You spend your Valentine's day with some of the most awesome people in your life in the most awesome weather at a place where you've wanted to go since many years.

Surajkund Crafts Mela 2014

-You have more than one reason to be happy. Period.

_______

The Chapter of My Life - Twenty Thirteen.

As the curtains are being drawn and the year is nearing its end, I curl up in my blanket, play my favorite music and flip back the pages of this chapter of my life.

The story of getting published for the first time and watching my name on paper back gleaming silently among big reputed names. That pride which pervaded on my mother's face when I stood on the stage with many other talented poets. Ah! It was priceless.

The story of pestering my parents to allow me to live my passion to travel and experiencing some of the most breathtaking moments of my life. My first vacation with a bunch of friends!

The story of wearing a scarred face that wrested my confidence and crushed it to death and then gradually walking on the road of recovery and coming out as an even more beautiful person. I can look into the mirror and feel good about myself, again. And by all means, I have deserved it.

The story of watching a loved one turn into a wisp of memory lingering in our lives and learning that this reality is just as transient as you, me, our smiles and tears are. I learned that you don't have to be old to be strong and wise, you can be as young as nine and be stronger and wiser than all around you. The time when I watched my brother breathe his last breaths with unflinching calmness, I felt my heart pump nothing but sheer dread in my veins. I watched him lie there, fighting with fucking cancer while I curled up in agony within my fragmented sighs because I could do nothing. I was but a helpless soul flapping restlessly to find some solace, just a little scoop of solace to comprehend what was happening around.

I wish that day was a haze to me. I so wish!

This life, it is a big, scary labyrinth. We are but puppets crawling around in spirals which ultimately ends up in the same destination. I was literally surprised to see that people who call themselves my close friends, lurked behind the facade of a busy life or some other make believe crap when I badly needed a shoulder to cry on, when I wanted to kill my daunting fears and give an outlet to my feelings, layer by layer. I never confronted them. Never felt the need to do so!

-Charles Bukowski

It's really funny how the aftermath of one big accident can strip off so many beguiling lies which you've been living for long. But then again, isn't it better that those beguiling lies finally stand naked and one can leave them all behind and start afresh? Well, yes, it sure is.

With nth number of ups and downs, this chapter of my life comes to an end. Hope for a less bumpy new year for myself and for you dear reader. I never say this but you are way better than many of these people around because you listen to my woes and musings with utmost patience and stay by my side always.

Thank you for being real to me.

A very happy new year.

Love
Mirage
_____

Words

Let's collect words. Let's collect words of mesmerism and passion. Of how a soft rush of wind plays with a tuft of hair coming out of the woolen cap. Of being tucked away from the world's madness for a while, closely in the arms of the mother. Of the moment cold feet gently kisses the warm grass beneath. Of holding tight a hot cup of tea with cold, slender fingers. Of taking in the intoxicating smell of books, stories and snippets, old and new. Of enjoying breath vapors on a chilly winter day. Of basking in the sunshine and watching your pet keep its head on your lap. Of the first few driblets of water that touch the parched palate. Of the insignificant laughter and echoes that follow you in the depth of the night. Of being a daisy while everyone else is just a rose! Of leaving blissful imprints in others' lives. Of those few moments of peace when you saunter slowly down the street, sublimely soaked in the rain. Of talking about epiphanies of our lives with people who belong to us, only us. Of the overwhelming aftermath of making sweet love and sinking in his chest to hear the deep pulsating sound. Of feeling beautiful even though you see a scarred face, smiling back innocently in the mirror.

Of unbeknownst miseries that may lie ahead and also, of the cloudless yet surreal present that has been unwrapped for you to give life another chance.

So shall we, love?

_____

Image Source

Rewind

Let me be a child today.

I need a bucket

full of innocence

and

desperation

to walk ahead,

having no doubts..

where I'm heading to,

and where should I stop.

Allow me, to be a child today.

Deprive me of the wisdom

of worldly manners

and quickly,

like a snap

break this reality into shards.

Yes, I'm a child today.

Tell the world,

I'll get a tomorrow

to grow up

and to talk mature,

the way it wants.

Or if tomorrow doesn't

show up

this happy child,

would be glad

to die

young.
________

Diwali :)

Just how happy this corner looks.. :)

Season of blinding lights, candles and diyas, festivity, deafening noise of chakri aur hawaai, bright colors..rangoli, traditional dresses, feeling pretty, mehndi, its intoxicating smell, unfettered happiness, family get togethers, and ah.. Kaju ki barfi!

In a nutshell, Diwali is here.

Yay!

Wish you all a very Happy Diwali.

And that pretty picture was clicked by me. Thank you!

_______

Summertime sadness- Lana Del Rey

This sexy number is my current love.

A September Evening

A gorgeous feeling of happiness is racing up the veins as I flip through some old pictures. Looking at my small, geeky face, hair tied back at the nape of the neck, a few strands falling casually on the temple, toothy smile, flashing broken front teeth and striking a random pose. How innocently pretty I look even though I am in a pair of blue bell bottom jeans buttoned up at high waist.

The weather outside makes the moment even more beckoning. Streets are sublimely soaked up in the last rain this monsoon. Black clouds growling as they float past those huge trees across the road, which are smoothly performing a not so coordinated waltz. I see darkness crawling up stealthily in my room as I sit with a bunch of photo albums on my lap and flip through them, caressing a subtle, faint smile. My mind is laden with a bundle of anecdotes and incidents...moments of pristine joy, flashing every second. They oscillate rhythmically creating a fine rhapsody which I could play on forever and never get tired of.

And then, the faint curve turns into a wide smile as this photograph comes up, reveling a fragment of me which had vanished eons ago.

It is a picture of my old, grey colored study table on which I had beautifully doodled so many things.

:)

Losing some shreds
On the graveled path
Of being a woman, a lady
I hear her whisper,
lingering loosely
along the lines of faded yesterday.

I watch her impression..
Her fragmented laughter
grow deep in my skin,
Gradually rebuilding
cryptic patterns
of abandoned love,
slyly calling out my name
in a familiar voice..
Of the novice little girl
I once was.
And then effortlessly
bridging the gap
between two tangents,
my past..
and her present.

______

August to Me: In a Nutshell.

I wanted to write about so many things which happened in the month of August: how beautiful it was, the dark clouds, the happy hair days, the good health and workout sessions and how I looked forward to feel the monsoon kisses every day. But sadly, the month ended up giving me a very disgusting and severe skin infection. It wrested my confidence and grounded me within the four walls. Though the receding phase has begun, the risk has of it getting worse has not subsided and I'm yet to discover my pretty old self again. Uh...how badly I miss my geeky face.

Anyhow, this post is not about the disease. This is about the things I wanted to share on Mirage, a week back.  A little late I am and it is September, already. Gosh, we are in the 9th month of the year. Where was I  during the whole time?

Busy growing up, probably.

________

• After yearning for months, I finally purchased a charming dream catcher with sea green feathers. For those who are not aware of what a dream catcher is, let me give a brief insight. It is a handmade object adorned with a thread in a web like form along with some beads and feathers. As per the Native Americans, the night air is filled with dreams both good and bad. The purpose of a dream catcher is to trap the bad ones in the web and filter down the good and happy dreams through the feathers, to the sleeper. Since, I have a strong connection with chasing dreams of all kinds (from serial killers to savages) I dearly needed it. Also, because it is such a beautiful thing. Here, have a look:

(This is not mine, but yeah you got an idea, right?)

(Picture Source)

• One fine day in August, I decided to give my room a fresh look. And this is what I did:

(Creative much, eh!)

(Oh and this too)

• My dearest brother gifted me a brand new sexy DKNY watch this Rakshabandhan. Eeeeeeeshk!

• Oh and I bought a pair of 3kg dumbbells. I'm gonna be a strong and pretty lady soon. ^.^

• It's been more than a month since I earned my first pay check, and I have not yet thought of anything to splurge on. Damn! There are nth number of things which makes me greedy and still I always end up with nothing. Suggestions please. (No party-with-friends suggestions accepted)

• Hey, I got published AGAIN!!!! The good part is that the magazine shall give away a surprise gift to each published entry. Eeeeeeeshk! Guess, I should make a new page for the whole list of my published work. xD

• This reminds me of a very important news. One of my blogger friends Phatichar (Sadly, this is what he calls himself in the blog world.) got his own book of spooky tales published by none other than THE Harper Collins publishers. Can you believe it! =)  I have ordered my copy and you guys must do it too. Right now! Here is the link which will help you: Frankly Spooking.

• Lastly, a Statutory Warning: Do not watch The Conjuring. Period.

_________

Until next time..

Take care dear you!

Twenty One!

When I was turning ten, I remember jumping around the house and asking everyone to guess the reason behind my extreme level of excitement. They all gave me that dumb confused look and I, with a big smile, flashed my broken teeth and told them that I'm super happy because I'd be entering into a double digit age number.

Yes, that was the sole criteria for being excited. =')

How strange it is to remember that episode after eleven years. Eleven Years! It takes a while to absorb.

I turn twenty one in a couple of days and God knows, why that little ten year old girl is dancing within me all over again. No lame reason this time, though.

In fact, no reason at all!

So yes, twenty one it is. Excited? Hell yeah! But sadly...no, very sadly, I'm stuck up with end semester eggjams. If this was not enough, I have the can't-understand-one-single-thing-in-the-subject exam on my birthday. *Why God why*

Anyhow, as my plans of the special day are ruined real bad, I have come up with a better one. This year I'm gonna have an extended celebration.

A nice trip 'with friends' is on my mind. The place is not decided yet but it's going to be someplace so much cooler than my super hot city. And you know what, my mom has, all of a sudden become the coolest. She has been consistently asking me about my plan and  is dearly hoping that this time it is not cancelled or even postponed.

How cool you are mother!

And why am I rambling about all this, one may wonder. Because it is my TWENTY FIRST.

That being said, I'm going to play some good music and shake a leg. 

Sincerely

The girl who is turning 21. 

Keep Calm and Hakuna Matata.

Now that I'm through with my semester exams, I should optimally utilize the three-four days that I have. Yes, we don't get any semester break.

=|

Here is the plan of action:

• Start exercising.
• Shop online.
• Snuggle more in the cozy blanket as winter has begun retreating.
• Learn new words.
• Clean the room. And bury every trace of course books somewhere deep.
• Enjoy being idol and remember the days I dearly wished I'd nothing to do except relax.
• And lastly, dance with a straight face.

Picture source

The Alien In Me.

Like a fatalistic pit, I see a hole forming in the heart. There are fragments of ugliness and of scarred words. Is the hole black? No! Sadly, it projects no colour, no hue. It is impassive and stoic. It doesn't respond to emotions, to love and gladness, to aggression and pain. It lacks each one of them. And in the process of recovering from the jolt of revelation, the mind doodles various patterns of the ever most random questions and doubts. I am absolutely horrified the way it is engulfing me in a lethal trap of mistakes, wrong decisions, and dominant anger. And the worst part, I cannot pull myself out of it. Out of the unwanted part which I am afraid, might swallow all of me.

Because I have this strong feeling pertaining to ignorance. Because I don’t know how the alien incepted. And I am blinded because I did not witness the incessant growth of the hole.

Tell me that it is a hoax. That it doesn't own perpetuity.

Because perhaps it intricately concatenates the girl I thought I am and the girl I actually am. Or perhaps the drawbridge is weakening as the impassiveness hikes. The beliefs I proudly caressed are being shadowed, like they never belonged to me. And I am scared. I am scared of what I am turning into.

I have never felt this vulnerable. The road was always clear and unambiguous. There was no blurry or misty vision which could divert me from knowing myself, from introspection. I knew what my heart had to say. The morals it had on which every block of decision was kept were distinct in my mind. Every little belief was due to the awareness of who I am and what I seek.

Have I depreciated? Maybe. This ignorant girl doesn’t have an answer. There is a lot of sadness which I could have resisted. I know. It’s just that I could have however I did not. I could have not acted or behaved the way I did. I could have been more considerate. I know I could have however I did not.

And what it seems now is that yes, this is a gradual process of depreciating. That it is but the time and the situation mirroring the real image I never knew I owned. The efforts, I fear, are going in vain. I fear seeing myself within the walls concocted of repentance, of undying regret, and of sabotaging hatred for not being able to lift myself to the level of righteousness. I fear the fatalistic pit. I fear this novel part of me, the alien, which is emerging. And yes, this time, I do...I do fear me.
____________

Picture source: deviantart