1 am conversation

How funny is this? As much as we crave change, as much as we desire new, random, beautiful and out of this world experiences, there is always a part of us that wants to go back to where we started from, to stay close to everything familiar, everything that once felt like home.

This is how I've been since past few months. 

I haven't taken a break. I've been writing a lot. I've been reading a lot. I'm well updated in what you guys are up to, what my favorite people are feeling, writing and going through these days and I have a lot to say to you all, so here I go.

It is great to see you back in action Kayla, missed your gorgeous words so much. PeeVee, I am in awe with the way you write bro, how are you so amazing? Oh my god Red, you are back! Did I tell you I stalked you thoroughly when I saw your comment? D your new blog and the name is breathtaking. The last post where you wrote 'Not having something to say shouldn't keep me from writing anymore, I should just write.' I want to thank you for this. Ankita, you woman are shining like a diamond. I am very happy for your latest books love. Soumya, Twisha, Emma, Ridx, Anisha, Keirthana gosh, I missed you ladies (sincere apologies if I've missed out your name). And my readers, both old and new. You make me feel safe, you make me feel at ease whenever I think about this blog and I am incredibly thankful for that. I've realized I get too weepy and sentimental when I write about what this blog has been to me, what you all have been to me and I think the best part is that you being a blogger yourself, can understand this so well. You know there is a mess in our head and it is okay to let it out and feel sooo much at once.

Writing is and will always be the most beautiful form of meditation for me, for us. 

I'm currently more active on another platform, Instagram: @writingsofvinati. It is new, it is fresh, more convenient to handle and it gives me that push to outdo myself every time I read my previous posts. I think I have fallen in love with this art all over again. Writing community is as encouraging on Instagram as it is here. But honestly, I do miss the familiarity of Blogger, the familiarity of having friends who have seen me evolve, seen me grow into a less confused and wayward being. So if you are on Instagram, do drop by and say hi. I would love to see you there.

Lastly, here is my current favorite song for you. This is how you make me feel.

Lana Del Rey: Because of you (unreleased)

I think I should get a tattoo of her name. I'm clearly obsessed.

That's all for now.

I hope to see you on the other side.

_________

wreckage

the world is a broken 

mess 

but give it a 

chance 

love. 

let it heal 

you 

with all 

its pieces 

because 

it 

will.

________

Religion

I'm obsessed.

I'd rather be a forest than a street.

I'd rather be a creek carving its way beneath the rocks

than a pond.

I'd rather be a wildflower that grows in unexpected corners

than a lily.

I'd rather be a shaft of sunlight that reaches the darkest spaces

than a shadow.

I'd rather cascade majestically like a spring tide

than a wave.

I'd rather trace the murky depths of an ocean 

than skim through it

and call it a life.

_______

Inspired by: Simon & Garfunkel - El Condor Pasa
(current favorite)

Hibernation level - Complete

So my blog missed more than a month's update on my shitty life. Hmph. That is one long break!

February is here already, winters have started to turn around, giving way to the lovely spring season and I too have decided to end my prolonged hiatus and come out of the blanket. There wasn't any specific reason as to why or how this hiatus began in the first place. But anyway, I'm glad that it's finally over. 

You know one of the scariest revelations that I've had recently is that most of this life which we proudly call ours is beyond our control, driven by things like fate. It is so annoying that even after giving your one hundred percent, you can never be sure of anything. That is just how life is. Blatantly random! 

The dream on which I was working on since quite a long time got bulldozed by fate. I fell, I hit the ground hard, I got up, brushed the dirt off my skin, covered the bleeding wound on my knee and I think, I think I'm ready to walk again.

Because I'm done mulling over the loss and feeling helpless all the time. I'm done reminiscing about the thing which never belonged to me. It gets boring after a while, you know.

So I'm back here in the blogosphere and since I needed a push for myself to take charge of certain things, I gave Mirage a complete makeover while playing at high volume, my favorite pop music of the evergreen 90's, de-stressed myself by dancing to the tunes of Coco Jumbo and Macarena, ordered a big box of protein shake (no idea, how i will finish it), played Coldplay and Lana Del Rey on repeat, practiced yoga and prepared myself to be mind blowing once again.

Let's see how far this mind-blowing girl can go before the randomness of life strikes again.

Meanwhile, listen to this,

Lana Del Rey - I can fly

___________

Because even angels fall

After days of working towards my dream, I have finally got a chance to write, to share, to update my little world out here.

It is very weird.. my current state of mind is totally confused. I am confused. I'm so confused! At one moment I feel extremely ecstatic to watch reality, gradually impersonating my most beautiful dream and then in a snap, I come out of it with unbearable stress.

Today, in the morning while I was going to college, my shuffled playlist played a song which I used to listen during the first year. It was one of my favorites back then and needless to say, I used to play it on repeat. The song is 'Even Angels Fall' by Jessica Riddle. It got famous from the movie '10 Things I Hate About You.' and I'm quite sure you must have heard it. If not, then please do listen. It is beautiful!

Anyway, there is this line in the lyrics - "One day it's heaven, one day it's hell" I have heard this song a gazillion times and never before did this line hit me. I cannot begin to express how perfectly it fits my current situation and how I'm in love with this song all over again.

Because you don't always need motivational quotes of great philosophers to heal, there are times when life's randomness makes you feel much much better. So, maybe the next time or the next next time you hear from me, my mind will be more clear with a dream in hand and better words to share.

Till then, keep loving me, will you?

Mirage.

_____

such is silence..

sometimes it soothes,

sometimes it

haunts.

______

Eyes Closed

As these waves crash against the highway cliffs 
I'm so scared they'll flood me where i sit 
Well the roads, they change to waterways 
They never carry home.

________

And I say..

..it's time we shed off

this angelic cloak for a while.

You and me,

sailing through the myriad meanings

of this thing called love.


Be a whisper honey,

say pretty things in my ears,

enchant your woman harder

like the abysmal verse

of the Universe.
______

A book, a blanket and a song.

Phir le aya dil majboor, kya kijiye

Raas na aya rehna door, kya kijiye..

_______

Blues

Curse me,
and I shall be happy

For my name would touch your lips, at last.
_____

Diwali :)

Just how happy this corner looks.. :)

Season of blinding lights, candles and diyas, festivity, deafening noise of chakri aur hawaai, bright colors..rangoli, traditional dresses, feeling pretty, mehndi, its intoxicating smell, unfettered happiness, family get togethers, and ah.. Kaju ki barfi!

In a nutshell, Diwali is here.

Yay!

Wish you all a very Happy Diwali.

And that pretty picture was clicked by me. Thank you!

_______

Summertime sadness- Lana Del Rey

This sexy number is my current love.

Happy New Look, Dear Blog.

And this is happiness to me.

Lazy Saturdays, this blog, its makeover, the aftermath, the urge to write more every second, Billy Joel's voice reaching to me like never before, light-headedness and not a single worry to entertain.

It is one of those days when everything, gradually begins to fall to place and you are just at peace to see the picture unpuzzle itself.

________

From a Friend's Heart

I can never imagine to pen down strong emotions with so much ease and write something as emotive, stirring and compassionate as the following message. Not even a bit close! 
It's an exceptionally beautiful message written by one of the closest friends of my brother who passed away twenty days back after a long and valiant battle with Pancreatic Cancer.
I wish I had enough good expressions to express how I felt after reading it. I wish my brother was alive to appreciate his friend's thoughts. I wish his daughters could know how great their father was. I wish life was less cruel. I wish things were a lot easier. I wish!

Just a small attempt to keep him alive with me here, on this blog.
____________

It’s hard to write an obituary when the subject is arguably your closest friend. Obituaries were farthest from our minds when we met in Goa in March last year. Non-stop laughter was interrupted only when we went down memory lane. Water skiing in the Arabian sea, drawing on hookahs, munching on authentic Italian pastas at the beautiful Arpora Saturday market made it a holiday of a lifetime. And like always there was one guy who was the life of the party. Maddy was full of life and savouring every second of it. All of us will always owe a debt of gratitude to Anupam whose initiative and insistence led to this reunion being held when it was. A month later and it would never have happened and we wouldn’t have had the last opportunity to witness Maddy as we knew him.

Maddy came up with the suggestion that the next reunion be held later in the year. The conservative sorts amongst us were talking in terms of at least a two year gap between reunions to retain the novelty factor. Maddy would have none of it and in the ‘naa meri naa teri’ sprit we agreed to meet in 2013. In hindsight he could perhaps sense that he didn’t have a lot of time left. His body and his mind must have been giving him warning signals because a month later he was diagnosed with third stage pancreatic cancer. 

What followed was a year of intense suffering and pain, but Maddy never lost his dignity. His main partner-in-suffering was his beloved wife Sucharita whose courage in times of adversity can only be admired. Whenever I went to see Maddy, she would greet me with a smile, offer me a cup of tea and never mope or complain. Neither would Maddy. Such dignity in suffering humbles me. Maddy leaves behind Sucharita, two beautiful daughters Anubhuti and Ananya, his parents and his brother Sushant and so many of us who were blessed to be his friends. However Maddy wouldn’t have wanted me to dwell only on the sadness. In fact he was a guy who didn't have too many negative bones in his body. So let me just talk about what he meant to me.

I first met him in Indore in 1994 when we were a bunch of excited twenty somethings hoping to make something of our lives. I was in awe of him. He came from Delhi and I came from a small town in Bengal. He had a funny hairstyle, had attended interviews at all the 4 IIMs (thankfully not cleared them, otherwise we never would have met), spoke with a Punjabi twang and cracked jokes at the drop of a hat. Somehow fate conspired to make us roommates at the fancy sounding Ratlam Kothi. Within a month we pretty much knew everything there was to know about each other. I continued to be in awe of him. Not only was he brighter than me, he was computer literate, read management and self help books and could draw beautifully. I was rubbish at all of this. He would beat the commerce graduates and engineers in the finance and accounts related subjects. And to think of it, he had graduated in zoology! I borrowed all his jokes and retold them as mine. He ruined my language by adding cuss words to my vocabulary which refuse to go even after 20 years. We may have had the odd argument but I can’t remember either of us sulking for too long. He was a little spoilt like all boys are when they have stayed too long at home, but he quickly learned how to (pretend to)wash a pair of jeans. He never quite learned how to make cucumber sandwiches when all of us had run out of money to pay for the mess food towards the end of our stay in Indore. And he could never wake up on time for breakfast. I have to take credit along with our flatmate KK for having kept him and the equally lazy Debu, well fed for the better part of our second year in Indore. Yes breakfast was served on the bed for these gentlemen! It wasn’t all about fun and games though. Maddy could give you the soundest advice when you asked for it. The counselling that Maddy and Debu gave me in a fly infested dhaba over sugary tea changed my life for the better. After Indore Maddy went to Baroda to work in Sun Pharma. I don’t think his heart was in it. He missed his family and his hometown and a combination of circumstances made him return to Delhi where his heart always was. He worked in a few companies and ended up in an IT company which was always his real passion. It was there that he met Sucharita and they teamed up in life as well as in work because Maddy was on his way to becoming an entrepreneur. He always wanted to be his own master and being an entrepreneur suited him just fine. All through these years, we would meet once or twice a year and he would excitedly tell me about his morning sessions of football, about his new found interest in the stock markets and of course about his family. Always gung-ho and generally pleased with life. Even when the business environment was tough during the financial crisis, he would never wallow in self pity. Solid, dependable Maddy.

We became even closer during his fight with cancer as I tried hard to keep his spirits up and to try and soak up some of his pain, his fears and his suffering. For me it was the desperation to hold on to him because I could not imagine a world without his infectious enthusiasm, his laughter and his zest for life. Life will go on and the pain will eventually subside. But there will always be that little void in my life and in the lives of all those he touched, which can never be filled.

Maddy, farewell my friend. You will be badly missed.

*****

P.S: Maddy was his nickname for Madhur.

One of his favorite songs.

Actually, mine too!

The to and fro.

I find, I lose

In the joy

Of crushing to death

The dead leaf

On the cold road.

The momentary satisfaction

From the crispy sound

That I hear

There I find, I lose

In the comfort

Of staring into nothingness

The charm in staying still.

Staying there

Right there in space

Yet gliding through thoughts

And chasing back to the start

In the sunshine

In the color yellow

And in the song

I find, I lose

That momentary satisfaction.

______________

News of the month, or year: I received three complimentary copies of my first publication a few days back. It's a literary magazine, kind enough to publish my poem (Haiku) Light Empowers which I wrote a little more than a year back. Needless to say, I am ecstatic beyond limits! =]

Here is a picture for you.

Now waiting for the next one to launch. It is almost hard to believe what I'd dearly wished a few months back has come true so soon. Like my wishes were strongly heard. #Touchwood

Time to strike off another entry in the list. BLISS!

****

Image source: Phone camera. Picture quality makes it pretty clear. :P

P.S: Merry Christmas!

Live it Sweetheart. Don't Just Survive!

I have heard people say that one should live each day to the fullest. I have heard dialogues in inspirational movies guiding us to make every day count, for life is too short. And as a child, teenager and an adult too, I have always had this strong will not to have any regrets in life. That regrets wouldn't fall on our way if we do what our heart seeks and if we give every little opportunity a shot to comfort us and to immaculately craft new memories for us.

And as I write this post, all I have is sheer amazement in my heart. I am amazed how immensely my belief is now resting in the most unfathomable part of me.

There is a huge difference when you hear such heart-warming teachings of life from just another person and from someone who is facing death right in the face. The impact is deep! So much so that it makes you feel pretty small and all you can do is admire the person's strength and caliber while innocently trying to grab a look at life from his mettle eyes.

And he says that even if he has a year left, he can make every day count and live longer than those who die at 80 or 90. Because 'it's not the years in life, but life in those years that counts'. He says that one should not fall in love with one's body but with one's soul, the beauty that prevails forever. For his soul shall always be with his loved ones.

He is not afraid of life or death. He is not afraid of anything! For he has stepped onto a higher level where he is able to comprehend the absurdity in chasing the shadows of dented desires. The dented desires which we all keep on bringing out from our baggage, thinking that this is what we are supposed to do, uncovering the disturbed thoughts and cursing the life. I too get indulged in issues of everyday that I forget my own pledge. And this is what I have planned to change. Not that I am going to give up my studies and go on a world trip right away. But I will definitely work on things like me getting too much affected by stupid little matters.

I will smile more, laugh more and love more. All in all, I'll live more. And this is the final plan.

Because I too want to step onto that higher platform where my brother believes that trivial qualms cannot penetrate the walls of peace, where he has gathered contentment with the undying and unflinching support of his wife and where he smiles when he watches his little daughters sketch some amazingly gorgeous pictures, telling him how much they love their father who is but a hero.

So the next time if somebody asks me have you ever met a real life hero....

*smiles*

_______________

And The 100th Post Says It All.

Beautiful sunshine

Radiating from your face

Enlightens my life.

______

Just a small update dear reader: This is officially the 100th post of Mirage. YAYYYIIEEEAAAOOO! =D And I am more than delighted to share that this perfect haiku is not the articulation of my thoughts but someone whom I have adored for so long. The person took an effort to step into my shoes and enjoy what I enjoy and presented me with this gorgeous surprise, perfectly packed in three lines. Thank you my dearest friend. It means a lot.

******

Picture courtesy: weheartit

Speak Music to Me and I Will be Your Symphony.

The other day at court, while I was waiting for the proceedings to begin, I indulged in a random conversation with my co-intern. Like always, we had plenty of spare time to look around and wonder how hard it is to pursue a career in litigation. But it was music that we talked about, instead. He asked me about my taste. No, actually before that he asked me whether I listen to music at all. You tell me..do I look like a person who doesn’t listen to music? Duh! So the first name that popped up in my head was that of Coldplay. If you haven’t heard Coldplay, go stand in front of the mirror, introspect for a minute and die. That is what a voice in my head yelled when he asked Coldplay? Is that a band?

Wait...the story didn’t end there. He was alien to every other song I mentioned. After giving him a dumbstruck look I shot the same question at him. It was heart-breaking to listen to a list which included crappiest songs and artists- Akon, Enrique, Pitbull, 50 Cent, Chammak Challo, Honey Singh and in support of which he said ‘Ajkal ke youth ko yehi pasand hai.’ (Today’s youth enjoy this music). But where is the 'music', I wondered. At that very moment, an entirely new side of me came to light. I felt so repulsed by him. It was like a stream of repulsion that was flowing out of his mouth as he spoke of those names. Over dramatic? Am I? Oh c’mon, he disliked Coldplay’s ‘Fix you’.

Still over-dramatic?

I narrated this hopelessly sad incident to a friend who has an impressive choice in this field and he just smiled. For he told me that he has felt the same with many and it doesn’t bother him anymore.

Just like what wise people teach, you grow with time. You evolve with time. You learn to absorb shocks like these with time.

For now, I have got this song which I stumbled upon my song hunting spree last night and the night before. Did I tell you that youtube has a side where every song on the side panel is totally new and it takes you on a  roller coaster ride? People there call it 'YouTube Narnia'. :D

Listen and appreciate quality music:

Moments of the Day.

That feeling which you get after pestering your parents so hard to let you drive all by yourself and they, all of a sudden, agree to your request. You turn the ignition on and sit there for a while, trying to realize the actuality of the moment, feeling the rush of blood all through your body. You are so overwhelmed with the thought of driving independently, that you cradle sheer bliss within till you reach your destination - Delhi High Court (yes, it is 'the' thing to brag. :D ) And on returning home safely, you see your parents greet you with a big smile and how you are filled with the feeling of achievement.

And that is when I felt like a grown up, a responsible and a little 'independent' grown up.

That feeling, when after a heavy day you take a nap in the evening and wake up to the sound of monsoon showers. You rub your eyes and just before you know you find yourself standing in the balcony (I run fast...sometimes) with your arms stretched out and eyes tightly shut. To add more to the joy, your adorable dog runs out to you in the rain, wags a little and runs back. Oh! And does the same quite many times. :P

Yes, it is monsoon time in my dear city. And let me take the opportunity to add 'Finally' which is so credited to the long wait.

*HAPPY*

________________

P.S: I didn't want to spoil my happy happy post so I am asking it in this irrelevant space here. What the hell has happened to Bollywood music? Where is the 'music' in the songs like 'Main hu he nahi iss duniya ki'? FML!! Not that I listen to these pathetic compositions intentionally. But being surrounded by endless Bollywood lovers, I somehow end up giving my ears a bad ache. Every other song is adorned with horribly-raping-the-heart-of-music-lovers lyrics.

Sigh!

Anyway, listen to this song you lovely reader. An old song, I know. But it has got a timeless beauty. :-)

Absence.

What if I go?

Leave the rain

Leave that walk in the night

Leave my favourite song behind

Would you remember my idiosyncrasies.

What if I go?

Would you catechize the crumbles of beguiling bond,

Cry or just sit in my favourite corner

And have a talk with the zephyr.

It is not too dreamy, is it?

Then maybe you could just make a promise

To show me a comely reflection

Beneath the countenance of present

That would be my life.

In your hands, when I am gone.

What if I indeed go?

I need you to buy me few breaths

To accompany me on the voyage

Of pretty life and prettier death.

____________________

Now make an effort and hear this. Something which could just touch the deepest cord of the heart. An extremely beautiful composition!

Picture Source: weheartit

For Life's Simplicity.

Sometimes when the only thing I admire or look up to loses its grace, I turn to you to rummage a world that might welcome me with open arms and embrace me with a kind and an affectionate touch. And that world is nothing but an embellishment of your comforting words.

You can call me susceptible, baby. But that does not worry me at all, as long as I have you. And let me be very honest here. Let me brace it up with truth. I have left my mind at the threshold. I do not require it, anymore. And I suggest you to do the same.

Staring at its countenance would lead you into nowhere.

Make an effort. Open the jammed door, silly.

And try to understand how I show the audacity and impudence (take it in a positive way) to stretch my limbs beyond conventions. To say that I am too stubborn to fall along the lines is misleading. It projects a wrong picture. The truth is, I just live every moment of being free. Call it a perverse set of thoughts. I don’t care. I live and do not impede others to live. My idea of survival might differ from theirs' but let me not indulge in a diabolic disapproval of others' lives. With different ideas, it would be pretty wise and judicious to display an even more beautiful and sound place. So let us try to express the magic of carving unusual pictures, just how I enjoy it. Simple up to the brim.

But before that, answer me. Do I make sense?

________________