Transience.

A little more than three weeks and it is as difficult to make room for acceptance as it was the time I heard the news. 

It was 6 in the morning and ma was restlessly knocking on my door. With sleepy eyes and no sense of time or place, I got off my bed and opened it. What I heard next was so unbearably heavy that it shook me immensely from within. There was numbness, I remember. I was standing by the door, trying to absorb what I'd just heard while my mind was shaking.. to and fro, to and fro. I felt numbness in my throat, in my arms and in my legs. I felt it reach down through my chest, pausing every sense in me for a while.

It had happened. What we were told by the doctors had actually happened. Three weeks and one more life gone. The life of our family had gone.

I have been trying to find a better way to express how miserably tough it is to understand this ugly level of sadness that we are stuck at and to start learning to deal with life all over again. I have been trying and failing, again and again. Nothing is enough right now, nothing strikes the right cord or perhaps there is no right cord here and I'm just wasting time amidst this oblivion which is hauntingly familiar to me. 

Like I've been here before, sailing through it and hunting for days when I was a little girl, when I was far away from this world where people fade into memory with so much ease and when everyone, almost everyone I loved was just.. happy and alive!

________

Timelessness

Picture Source

What if it's all untrue! What if it's a very bad joke which adamantly refuses to get over, a lie which cannot be comprehended and brought out in the open, a facade of emptiness, of hollow lives, dreams and laughter which can never be broken. What if his absence has not been lingering in our lives for a year now. A year!

I want to be insane for a while and forget that it has been a year since his battle came to an end and ours began. 

_______

Don't make me sad, don't make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough
I don't know why..
     -Del Rey

The Chapter of My Life - Twenty Thirteen.

As the curtains are being drawn and the year is nearing its end, I curl up in my blanket, play my favorite music and flip back the pages of this chapter of my life.

The story of getting published for the first time and watching my name on paper back gleaming silently among big reputed names. That pride which pervaded on my mother's face when I stood on the stage with many other talented poets. Ah! It was priceless.

The story of pestering my parents to allow me to live my passion to travel and experiencing some of the most breathtaking moments of my life. My first vacation with a bunch of friends!

The story of wearing a scarred face that wrested my confidence and crushed it to death and then gradually walking on the road of recovery and coming out as an even more beautiful person. I can look into the mirror and feel good about myself, again. And by all means, I have deserved it.

The story of watching a loved one turn into a wisp of memory lingering in our lives and learning that this reality is just as transient as you, me, our smiles and tears are. I learned that you don't have to be old to be strong and wise, you can be as young as nine and be stronger and wiser than all around you. The time when I watched my brother breathe his last breaths with unflinching calmness, I felt my heart pump nothing but sheer dread in my veins. I watched him lie there, fighting with fucking cancer while I curled up in agony within my fragmented sighs because I could do nothing. I was but a helpless soul flapping restlessly to find some solace, just a little scoop of solace to comprehend what was happening around.

I wish that day was a haze to me. I so wish!

This life, it is a big, scary labyrinth. We are but puppets crawling around in spirals which ultimately ends up in the same destination. I was literally surprised to see that people who call themselves my close friends, lurked behind the facade of a busy life or some other make believe crap when I badly needed a shoulder to cry on, when I wanted to kill my daunting fears and give an outlet to my feelings, layer by layer. I never confronted them. Never felt the need to do so!

-Charles Bukowski

It's really funny how the aftermath of one big accident can strip off so many beguiling lies which you've been living for long. But then again, isn't it better that those beguiling lies finally stand naked and one can leave them all behind and start afresh? Well, yes, it sure is.

With nth number of ups and downs, this chapter of my life comes to an end. Hope for a less bumpy new year for myself and for you dear reader. I never say this but you are way better than many of these people around because you listen to my woes and musings with utmost patience and stay by my side always.

Thank you for being real to me.

A very happy new year.

Love
Mirage
_____

From a Friend's Heart

I can never imagine to pen down strong emotions with so much ease and write something as emotive, stirring and compassionate as the following message. Not even a bit close! 
It's an exceptionally beautiful message written by one of the closest friends of my brother who passed away twenty days back after a long and valiant battle with Pancreatic Cancer.
I wish I had enough good expressions to express how I felt after reading it. I wish my brother was alive to appreciate his friend's thoughts. I wish his daughters could know how great their father was. I wish life was less cruel. I wish things were a lot easier. I wish!

Just a small attempt to keep him alive with me here, on this blog.
____________

It’s hard to write an obituary when the subject is arguably your closest friend. Obituaries were farthest from our minds when we met in Goa in March last year. Non-stop laughter was interrupted only when we went down memory lane. Water skiing in the Arabian sea, drawing on hookahs, munching on authentic Italian pastas at the beautiful Arpora Saturday market made it a holiday of a lifetime. And like always there was one guy who was the life of the party. Maddy was full of life and savouring every second of it. All of us will always owe a debt of gratitude to Anupam whose initiative and insistence led to this reunion being held when it was. A month later and it would never have happened and we wouldn’t have had the last opportunity to witness Maddy as we knew him.

Maddy came up with the suggestion that the next reunion be held later in the year. The conservative sorts amongst us were talking in terms of at least a two year gap between reunions to retain the novelty factor. Maddy would have none of it and in the ‘naa meri naa teri’ sprit we agreed to meet in 2013. In hindsight he could perhaps sense that he didn’t have a lot of time left. His body and his mind must have been giving him warning signals because a month later he was diagnosed with third stage pancreatic cancer. 

What followed was a year of intense suffering and pain, but Maddy never lost his dignity. His main partner-in-suffering was his beloved wife Sucharita whose courage in times of adversity can only be admired. Whenever I went to see Maddy, she would greet me with a smile, offer me a cup of tea and never mope or complain. Neither would Maddy. Such dignity in suffering humbles me. Maddy leaves behind Sucharita, two beautiful daughters Anubhuti and Ananya, his parents and his brother Sushant and so many of us who were blessed to be his friends. However Maddy wouldn’t have wanted me to dwell only on the sadness. In fact he was a guy who didn't have too many negative bones in his body. So let me just talk about what he meant to me.

I first met him in Indore in 1994 when we were a bunch of excited twenty somethings hoping to make something of our lives. I was in awe of him. He came from Delhi and I came from a small town in Bengal. He had a funny hairstyle, had attended interviews at all the 4 IIMs (thankfully not cleared them, otherwise we never would have met), spoke with a Punjabi twang and cracked jokes at the drop of a hat. Somehow fate conspired to make us roommates at the fancy sounding Ratlam Kothi. Within a month we pretty much knew everything there was to know about each other. I continued to be in awe of him. Not only was he brighter than me, he was computer literate, read management and self help books and could draw beautifully. I was rubbish at all of this. He would beat the commerce graduates and engineers in the finance and accounts related subjects. And to think of it, he had graduated in zoology! I borrowed all his jokes and retold them as mine. He ruined my language by adding cuss words to my vocabulary which refuse to go even after 20 years. We may have had the odd argument but I can’t remember either of us sulking for too long. He was a little spoilt like all boys are when they have stayed too long at home, but he quickly learned how to (pretend to)wash a pair of jeans. He never quite learned how to make cucumber sandwiches when all of us had run out of money to pay for the mess food towards the end of our stay in Indore. And he could never wake up on time for breakfast. I have to take credit along with our flatmate KK for having kept him and the equally lazy Debu, well fed for the better part of our second year in Indore. Yes breakfast was served on the bed for these gentlemen! It wasn’t all about fun and games though. Maddy could give you the soundest advice when you asked for it. The counselling that Maddy and Debu gave me in a fly infested dhaba over sugary tea changed my life for the better. After Indore Maddy went to Baroda to work in Sun Pharma. I don’t think his heart was in it. He missed his family and his hometown and a combination of circumstances made him return to Delhi where his heart always was. He worked in a few companies and ended up in an IT company which was always his real passion. It was there that he met Sucharita and they teamed up in life as well as in work because Maddy was on his way to becoming an entrepreneur. He always wanted to be his own master and being an entrepreneur suited him just fine. All through these years, we would meet once or twice a year and he would excitedly tell me about his morning sessions of football, about his new found interest in the stock markets and of course about his family. Always gung-ho and generally pleased with life. Even when the business environment was tough during the financial crisis, he would never wallow in self pity. Solid, dependable Maddy.

We became even closer during his fight with cancer as I tried hard to keep his spirits up and to try and soak up some of his pain, his fears and his suffering. For me it was the desperation to hold on to him because I could not imagine a world without his infectious enthusiasm, his laughter and his zest for life. Life will go on and the pain will eventually subside. But there will always be that little void in my life and in the lives of all those he touched, which can never be filled.

Maddy, farewell my friend. You will be badly missed.

*****

P.S: Maddy was his nickname for Madhur.

One of his favorite songs.

Actually, mine too!

Crimson.

Metal souls at war

Fed on bullets and dressed with

That crimson water.

*****

Written for: 104th prompt at Haiku Heights.

Picture Source: deviantart

Paroxysm of Terror.

Smithereens of mourning souls

Fell numb on coarsened crimson coal.
No bird chirped.
Breeze did not blow.
People panicked.
The smile on her face no more glowed.
Her head was bleeding.
Deep wounds!


With burnt skin and broken glasses,
In a pool of blood, she lied there.
I feared the look I saw in her eyes,
It said, “Paroxysm of terror.”
Smithereens of mourning souls
Fell numb on coarsened crimson coal.

Havoc had broken under the blue shade turned grey.
Ugly, it seemed. “Yes, Death stinks!”
The air was venomous.
Toxic tears trickled.
Forget the bliss.
Those eyes did not even blink.
Smithereens of mourning souls
Fell numb on coarsened crimson coal.

********

It was very heart-wrenching to know about the serial blasts in Mumbai, yesterday. Like always, the common man suffered. I don't know how many people died, may be 20 or so but the result of those few deaths is magnification of fear all over the nation. Such incidents have happened in the past and will continue to take place in the future too. All we can do is just hope that we do not suffer next.

Rest in peace Mumbai blast victims.