Sunday, May 3, 2015

Transience.

A little more than three weeks and it is as difficult to make room for acceptance as it was the time I heard the news. 

It was 6 in the morning and ma was restlessly knocking on my door. With sleepy eyes and no sense of time or place, I got off my bed and opened it. What I heard next was so unbearably heavy that it shook me immensely from within. There was numbness, I remember. I was standing by the door, trying to absorb what I'd just heard while my mind was shaking.. to and fro, to and fro. I felt numbness in my throat, in my arms and in my legs. I felt it reach down through my chest, pausing every sense in me for a while.

It had happened. What we were told by the doctors had actually happened. Three weeks and one more life gone. The life of our family had gone.

I have been trying to find a better way to express how miserably tough it is to understand this ugly level of sadness that we are stuck at and to start learning to deal with life all over again. I have been trying and failing, again and again. Nothing is enough right now, nothing strikes the right cord or perhaps there is no right cord here and I'm just wasting time amidst this oblivion which is hauntingly familiar to me. 

Like I've been here before, sailing through it and hunting for days when I was a little girl, when I was far away from this world where people fade into memory with so much ease and when everyone, almost everyone I loved was just.. happy and alive!

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7 comments:

  1. i cant think of anything to say that will help you get through your grief, Vinati; deaths are always far too personal....

    i have watched a lot of friends and family die over the years and it never gets any easier; i've have a few deaths myself that i haven't really got over yet...it's the sudden, unexpected deaths of those that are far too young that are always the worst...

    we're all gonna die, no getting around that, it's one of the downsides of being born human...and the only ones who manage to avoid the pain of losing a loved one are those who die first...

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    1. Thank you for writing to me. It is true that we cannot escape death, but even then the acceptance of it doesn't come so easy. Perhaps this is why it confuses me a lot.

      No amount of mental preparation can help us with this.

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    2. my words seem so useless, though, because i know they can't reverse what has caused you so much distress...

      you once wrote that your older brother, who died of cancer, had found an acceptance of his pending death that allowed him to rise above the situation that he found himself in...
      perhaps if you could recall that time, and tap into what his insights were then, you could find the peace to see your way through the death that you're dealing with now..

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  2. I have no words to express the pain I felt after reading this. Time will heal, as it always does. I am sure you will be fine and back on the track for life has to go on...

    Take care

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  3. i'm so sorry my dear. and i'm sorry i can't say anything to help you. take care, sending you love!

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  4. I know this won't really take away your pain and no one can do that. But I am sharing mine with you to tell you you aren't alone. Take all the time you need dear.
    I lost a immediate family member in an aircrash in 2010, and my life has never been the same. I still find it hard to believe that my family is incomplete but what keeps me going are the faith and memories and love of those times. Enough to last a lifetime. He will always be in our prayers.
    One day you will smile through the tears when you reflect back on good times. That's a promise.

    Love and my prayers are with you.
    Hold on. There are other worlds to sing in. We will meet them again one day. I believe that :)

    Toobs.
    www.alwaysandforevertk.blogspot.com

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    1. Sending lots of love to you Toobs.

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